It's good to be lonely!
It’s good to be lonely sometimes. No, honestly! Hear me out.
Feeling lonely is something we get from time to time and it is usually an
expression of when we feel that our need for rewarding social contact is not
being met.[1]
That means that it could just simply be because you are extroverted and in need
of a good social event to keep your batteries charged. It could mean that you’re
introverted and a natural aversion to lots of social contact makes you feel
more isolated. It might mean that you miss your dog while you’re at work, or it
might mean you have low self-esteem and use the positive reinforcement from
your friendships, relationships and a social life to meet underlying needs and
make yourself feel whole. As you can see, the reasons we feel lonely can be
radically different, radically stronger or weaker depending on the day or the situation.
It is a completely personal emotion for which there is no right or wrong way to
feel.
So, how can it be a good thing? A very individual, personal
expression of feeling unsatisfied, isolated and alone can teach us much about
where we need to go. Take me. For about 15 years, I felt constantly lonely. Growing
up as a child, I spent most of my time by myself. I liked to read, play games
and play quietly with my toys. That was just me. That’s how I liked it. Sure, I
liked to play out and see my friends, but I was just being myself. I didn’t
feel lonely. As I got a bit older, I had very low confidence. I would try and
plug this whole with having lots of friendships, which I’d maintain at all
costs. People who I could talk to. A couple in the morning, a couple in the
evening, and a couple of nocturnal friends for at night. I’d just always make
sure I was contact with someone. Even still, I felt lonelier then, than I do
now. My circle is smaller than ever, I rarely speak to more than 3 or 4 people
a day and a lot of those friends I spoke to with such certainty have long since
ghosted or forgotten about it. I haven’t been in a proper relationship in a
long time, or even had someone express strong feelings for me for many years.
But I don’t feel half as lonely then the times I was in unhappy relationships,
fighting for the approval or others and judging my perceived failures so harshly.
When I was little, spending more time by myself and not putting any social
pressure on myself, I was being myself. I now notice, when I feel especially
lonely, that I need to do something very “Joe”. This often involves sticking on
Terminator 2 with a bottle of wine and some pizza. 17-year-old me would just be
looking at how I was not being social and not finding someone to watch the film
with me. 30 year old Joe knows that when he feels lonely, he doesn’t necessarily
need others to help fill it. A long
bloody journey.
Alleviating loneliness isn’t about surrounding yourself with
tons of people, having a million friends, always being in a relationship or
finding people to love and respect you. It’s about finding out what those
voices in your stomach is saying to you. That void is in all of us, and we all
find our own ways to fill it when loneliness hits. But that voice is also trying
to help you. Listen to it, be kind to yourself when you feel lonely and remember
– you will always have yourself. The more you spend the time to sit down,
listen to your own needs and be kinder to yourself, the more compassionate that
voice gets.
So, on this day where people celebrate love for another, try
celebrating some love for yourself and be less hard on yourself when you feel
lonely.
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