Why you should talk more and message less.

Social media. It makes communication so unbelievably easy while also making it impossibly hard. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last six months. I’ve seen a very personal breakdown of communication in my own life which has severely impacted upon me and my mental health. So how do we get to this point? A complete collapse in communication? What role does social media have to play? How do the best of allies, suddenly become adversaries? How can a relationship with someone you value and treasure, suddenly turn to ash and sulphur in your mouth? The driving force behind our development as a species came from the ability to communicate with one another. This led to greater co-operation and directly impacted on our ability to survive. So how can we people who are important via some pixels on a screen? 

To go from communicating with a person so well, that you can often just read what the other is thinking from a glance, a subtle look or even from a change in the tone of their voice, to a complete breakdown is very uncomfortable for both participants. It is sudden, it is stark and it is unpleasant. You can feel it happening, yet are completely powerless to stop it. It snowballs. One bad exchange colours the next, and the next, and the next, until you’re at the stage where you rather you didn’t have to communicate at all. This is where emotions play their part. We are very sensitive creatures, who internalise much of the negativity and conflict we may find ourselves participating in during the course of our lives. I’ve seen my fair share, having had many horrendous fights, arguments and complete breakdown in friendships and relationships. Often, in the heat of the moment, we can say things, do things and imply things we don’t really mean. Things we may be thinking, but we find poor ways to express them. Even the best diplomat will struggle with this constant balancing act and every one of us is guilty of even deliberate miscommunication.

There lies the crux, for me. The immediacy of communication these days allows for lightning-fast replies. Someone says something which has profoundly upset you, something you couldn’t imagine hearing if you were face to face? That’s social media. You can reply just as fast as you internalised the message and the merry-go-round goes on, and on. Some conversations are way too important for Whatsapp or Messenger. You cannot communicate properly, you cannot gauge tone, meaning, emotion or intent nearly as well. Even a phone call can lack some of the subtleties of our evolved form of communication. Paralingustics, body language, anything physical is completely lost and therefore the semantic quality of our conversation is lessened. That’s what face-to-face communication has and social media completely misses out on. We’re not designed to communicate digitally.

Letters, on the other hand, are fantastic ways to do this. They allow you to get your feelings down, out of your head and on to paper. There they sit, and you can decide whether you even want to share them. Write letters you never intend to send and see how much clearer you see the situation afterwards. Once a letter is sent, it can’t be recalled, or changed. It is physical, not ephemeral. It holds its meaning forever. In that time, it gives you some clarity, some focus. Every friendship I have ever treasured, every person I have loved, I have lost over social media, instant messaging or over the internet. It isn’t how we are built, how we are wired. Friends come and go, relationships die, but lose them not because you cannot communicate effectively with one another.

 However you choose to do it, talk more, message less.